Have you read OK! magazine!? Have you seen ITV3? These people aren’t particularly clever, but they make a shitload of money for doing nothing at all. Therefore, i’ve comprised a list of the easiest ways to hit the big money by shooting into the limelight. Go; Team Retard!
1. Kill someone. Got your attention? Excellent. Yes, if you want to cook an omelette, you gotta break some eggs. But this is also a little like the government attempting to raise GDP by starting several wars. Okay so this is a last resort. I don’t condone killing or hurting people. But let’s face it, Adele has been hurting me emotionally for several months and she’s both famous, rich, and common. Now, if you’re as much against murder and crime as me; you’ll forget this and move onto number 2. Also, to become famous you’d need to be caught - and no-one likes a murderer. You WILL get bummed in prison. But maybe when you leave, clutching your bottom with one hand, you’ll be able to write a book with the other. About getting bummed.
2. Be good at things. That’s right, peeps, be good at something and you MAY become famous for your talent. The UK operates a talent focused TV schedule and let’s face it, there’s not much competition. Did you see Britain’s Got Talent this year? A dog won. Yes, a DOG. So essentially what we’re saying is ‘Britain’s got fuck-all talent.’ But what happens when you’ve got no talent either..? Option 1: Dress like a dog or pretend you have special needs; Option 2: Have children, and force them to do it on your behalf. Maybe, kill the other parent; that should help sway the judges’ decisions. (Sorry, that’s the last talk of killing today. In not even a violent person. My sincere apologies. Don’t hurt anyone. Put down the knife.)
3. Talk about yourself, a LOT. Do you think Mark Wright got anywhere in life by asking other people how they are? And I don’t mean just day-to-day either. I’m talking about bumping yourself up. Google yourself 30,000 times daily so your name becomes a recommendation even if someone is typing ‘Naked ladies’ - Google is saying ‘Hey how about checking out Dave Parker’s Twitter?’ Make yourself a website. Sneakily build a Wikipedia profile. Use the word enigma daily.
4. Take pictures of yourself climbing out of cars in short skirts and swearing at cameras. And for goodness sake don’t even consider wearing pants outside. Follow celebrities around, drink a pint of vodka and throw it back up on Kanye West. Many people are famous because people are asking other people why they’re famous. Be that guy. Does anyone know why Kim Kardashian is famous? (Okay maybe start eating cat fish, and do some squats.. you layabout)
5. Get on Reality TV. Big Brother is probably your best shot. And now it’s on Channel 5, we know what you need to do to get on the show. What I’m saying is; Your application video should include excrement. And that’s the bottom line. Literally. The weirder the better. Use the word crazy several times. Hold your cat up and squeeze it until it farts. Then when you enter the house; urinate outdoors, drop racist insults at will, touch up members of the same sex in a hot tub and most of all; shave your pubes in the garden…….. … and .. kill someone. NO. SORRY. I APOLOGISE.
So there you have it; your pocketsize guide on how to become the next Joey Essex. Oh dam I totally forgot the bit about whitening your teeth. Maybe next time. Bye.